Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
