he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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