i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
