i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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