so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
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He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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