I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
