i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
