i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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