then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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