Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
