She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
