A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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