So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
