Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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