her vagine was all disorganized.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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