Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
