I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
