I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
