What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
