He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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