Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize