Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
