you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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