you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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