I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
