just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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