why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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