he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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