4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
