I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
