my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
