There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
