Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
