My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
