I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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