Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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