Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
