Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
