I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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