I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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