Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
