So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
