i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
