he puts the penis in happiness.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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