You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
