Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
