i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
