I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
