FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
