i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
