hotel room ftw
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
