i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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