i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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