im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
